KURDA SMAHLT: Owner's Guide&Maintenance Manual
by BananaPropaganda
Summary: Congratulations! You are now the owner of your very own KURDA SMAHLT unit. To ensure you get the most out the blond general, please pay close attention to the following instructions.


A/N- A break from the sudden angsty-ness of Pride Under the Crescent Moon. This was done WITH PERMISSION of Hikari Hrair-rah, before anyone goes off crying about the Rurouni Kenshin "Guide and Maintenance Manual" fics that already exist. Glad to get that out of the way. Oh, and about the cook thing…well, Kurda had always seemed like the kind of person that could cook well to me…I dunno…

Disclaimer: I don't own it, never have, and never will.

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Kurda Smahlt: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of our KURDA SMAHLT unit, of the DARREN SHAN SAGA package. To get the most possible use out of the would-be Prince, please make note the following instructions.

Basic Information:

Name: Kurda Smahlt (will also respond to 'Blondie' or 'That scoundrel Kurda Smahlt')

Date of Manufacture: About 120 BWS (Before War of the Scars)

Place of Manufacture: Unit does not like to speak of past

Height: Around six feet, maybe a little less

Weight: Very little

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Your KURDA SMAHLT unit comes with the following accessories:

Two blue suits

One blue cloak

Two _dark_ blue ties

Several short swords (note: these will not be replaced if already stained with blood)

One 'Cartography for Idiots' kit

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Before opening the box containing your KURDA SMAHLT unit, make sure you are as far away as possible from other vampires, as the sudden sight of him may cause them to spit at him, yank on his hair, or cause other bodily harm to him.

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Programming:

Your KURDA SMAHLT unit may be coaxed into performing a few key tasks that he excels at, and possibly a few simple household chores.

Cartographer: Need to map out unexplored terrain? Just send your KURDA SMAHLT unit in to the newfound area with his 'Cartography for Idiots' kit and wait it out. He'll be back within a matter of hours, with all the boring map work done for you, and one much neater than any map you could ever make.

Mountain Guide: First time to Vampire Mountain? Let your KURDA SMAHLT unit show you around! He can tell you the names and uses of every Hall without even thinking about it, and will gladly steer you clear of any pale Guardians of the Blood or gloomy places such as the ominous Hall of Death. As a bonus, he knows of quite a few unexplored tunnels that are good for escaping through, if you happen to run into any trouble during your stay…

Cook: Unlike most of his kind, the KURDA SMAHLT unit is an excellent cook, though he may only be coaxed to do so when none of his buddies are around.

Strategist: The KURDA SMAHLT unit believes strongly in a 'brain over brawn' theory, and can be coerced into making clever plans, something that would bore most other units in the DARREN SHAN SAGA series. His quick wits make him ideal for surprise attacks against your enemies.

CAUTION: It is ideal not to encourage your KURDA SMAHLT unit too scheme too often, as if he disagrees with you about something important, he will most likely scheme _against_ you. If you suspect him of this, check any places that may be used to hide thirty or forty of your enemies to make sure you are not being invaded.

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Your KURDA SMAHLT unit comes with four possible modes:

Friendly (default setting)

Moody

Angry

Treacherous (caused by over use of the Strategist function)

Your KURDA SMAHLT unit will usually be in the friendly setting. But when tormented by other vampires with questions about Little People and prophecies, he may be come Moody. It is best to leave him to his own devices in a secluded office when this mode occurs.

The KURDA unit's Angry mode may seem at first like a simple case of Moodiness, but more intense. This mode is caused by the outright questioning of his strong beliefs or endangerment of a child's life. To get him out of this mode, make sure no nearby children are wistfully putting their lives in danger or being threatened with death.

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Relations with other Units:

The KURDA unit's mood may change depending on events around him. Take note of any personality changes before subjecting him to the company of another unit.

The ARRA SAILS unit will constantly bicker with the KURDA unit specifically about his pacifist ways and silly beliefs. Contact should be avoided, especially during the Festival of the Dead, a time when the KURDA unit cannot decline any of an ARRA unit's challenges.

A LARTEN CREPSLEY unit will act skeptically around a KURDA unit, but can tolerate him, much more so than the ARRA unit; may even call him a friend because of his sympathy for any nearby DARREN SHAN units. Contact between the two is inevitable.

The DARREN SHAN unit will usually get along the best with the KURDA unit, and will easily be able to take in, think over, and understand his belief system. However, if A DARREN unit catches a KURDA unit in an outright act of treachery, he will suddenly despise him with a passion. Be careful when to put these two together.

Contact between a GAVNER PURL unit and a KURDA unit should be avoided at all costs. Contact will most likely result in the need for a replacement GAVNER PURL unit and the hatred of a DARREN SHAN unit.

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Cleaning:

Cleanliness is more important to the KURDA SMAHLT unit than to most other units in the DARREN SHAN SAGA series. Unit is capable of bathing himself, but for any adjustments, see a Lemon Fanfic Authoress. Do not tumble dry.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Question: My KURDA SMAHLT unit is currently trying to stab me though the back. Why is this?

Answer: Your KURDA SMAHLT unit must have you confused for a GAVNER PURL unit. Make yourself look as little as possible as the general and everything should soon return to its normal condition. If, however, you are a GAVNER PURL unit, you should just let him get it over with. Your fate has already been written and viewed by readers all over the world.

Question: I accidentally opened the box containing my KURDA SMAHLT unit in a Hall populated by Vampire Generals and they took him off somewhere. How do I get him back?

Answer: You don't. Your KURDA SMAHLT unit is probably dead by now, and your best bet would be to either order a new KURDA unit, or order a less tragic character.

Question: My KURDA SMAHLT unit is always locking himself in his study and seems constantly testy. What should I do?

Answer: Your KURDA unit is simply feeling the stress of his job. Some alcohol and a round on the bars will do him good.

A/N- There it is! The constant KURDA SMAHLT thing may seem a little obnoxious, but keep in mind, I had to sit here and type it a million times… oh well, hope you enjoyed it!

Paws


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